Timely

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Hey,
(read this next part,
in your silent voice,
deep in your heart)
I’ve been thinking,
If you need me to help,
I’ll be glad to pick up stuff
If I’ve got the time,
I see the clothes on the ground,
Right now,
I’m really comfortable,
laying down,
it’s not a good time for me,
not really timely,
at the moment,
doing stuff is a bit tiresome,
I’d mow the yard,
but hey,
it’s hot and hard,
but baby,
I’d catch you a fish,
but you know,
they make me sick,
so baby girl,
remember this,
I”ll do anything,
except,
be accommodating,
or find something to fix.

–Richard Bryant

I’m Not A Big Fan of These Clichés

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Christians use some pretty lame clichés. We use them over and over again. That’s why they’re clichés . In certain church circles, it’s hard for people to put together a coherent sentence that’s not a series of clichés strung together. There are churches (and church meetings) where speaking “cliché” language is the defining mark of one’s Christianity. If you don’t speak this way, something might be wrong with you. What if we took these clichés and placed them into a slightly different context? Perhaps we’d realize how ridiculous some of them sound?

Krispy Kreme has a “heart for” doughnuts.

They are really doing some “good work” over there at the Waffle House.

We put the lawn mowers behind a “hedge of protection” just to the right of weed eaters.

Since my car died three weeks ago, “my walk with God”, has involved taking two buses and a cab to work.

The Holy Spirit has “laid upon my soul” a calling to evangelize the virtues of bacon to vegetarians.

After the bounty hunter arrested my contractor, his last words to me were, “if you need to close the bathroom door, open the window first.”

The Episode In Which Richard Looks for Kleenex

Earlier today, I was meeting with someone in my office and realized I had no tissues in my office.  Can you imagine it?  I, a man of the cloth, with no Kleenex in his office; what is the world coming to?  The next thing you know, I’ll be unable to put my hand on a Bible.

After the meeting I went searching around the church to find some Kleenex.

Questions Piqued By Life On Ocracoke

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If Ocracoke residents occupy the eastern most island of North Carolina and drive on “NC Highway 12”, how far east do we need to go to drive on Highways 1 through 11?

Are there any golf carts on any golf courses carting any golfers anywhere on the eastern seaboard of the United States?

Has anyone actually seen a fig? Or am I being misled by part time naturalists, bakers, and practical jokers? I still don’t know how to identity a fig. The last time I tried, I turned out to be a beetle. If held at gunpoint, I couldn’t pick out a fig from an overripe date.

When Tesla’s self driving cars catch on and everyone tells their computer to drive to “My Paradise”, will that create chaos for the ferry system and maybe a few collisions?

How weird is that only one shop on the island sells the board game Monopoly?

The sea shells I purchased at a local gift shop are small. Is there a place to find larger ones at no cost?

Does SpongeBob SquarePants live in the waters off Ocracoke or on the Island itself ?

The Cantankerous Curmudgeon-I’m The Only One in My House Who Doesn’t Wear A Bra

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OK, I realize this isn’t news. I live with four women. One of them is my wife. Three are my daughters. I am not an Arab prince. I am middle class and Methodist. I am me.

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, sometimes in the course of human events, we all end up doing each other’s laundry. I know our clothes dirty and clean. While my wife was out of town with the girls recently, the girls amassed a fair amount of dirty laundry. It’s taken a few days to get caught up. This happens to everyone when then get back from a trip or vacation. Multiple loads are placed multiple times into a single washer. Such is family life in middle class America.

Earlier this morning, when leaving the house, I noticed small piles beginning to form. All of our underwear and clothing were intermingled together in two or three separate stacks as they had come from the dryer. From their perch on the couch cushions, they waited to be folded after breakfast. Another sat glaringly in the large corner chair.

As I surveyed each clean load, I noticed several commonalities between the piles: T- shirts, bath towels, and bras. I don’t know what it was about the bras that jumped out at me but I noticed: we had a lot of bras. Everyone, but me, in my house, wears a bra. Everyone, but me, in my house, owns more than one bra. I know this intellectually. But this message, staring me in the eyes, like an unkempt underwear section at Target was not what I wanted to see. Our girls are bra wearing women. This means:

• They will start attracting men who like bra wearing women
• They will want to talk to such men
• They will want to date men
• They will want to buy more bras
• They will need to by fewer pencil sharpeners
• I will need to fund dates and bra purchases

Laundry can change your life; whether it is clean or dirty, whether you wear it or not, or if you like doing it or not. When you finally understand what your dirty clothes are telling you; it’s probably 90 degrees, mid-way through August, and far too late to do anything at all.

You Might Be A United Methodist If

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1. If you cannot conceive of raising money without the sacrificial-like slaughter of a pig, you might be a United Methodist.

2. When you leave reviews on TripAdvisor or Yelp, you do it under the names Francis Asbury or John Wesley; you might be a United Methodist.

3. If your family’s name is permanently mounted somewhere in the church where you grew up, you might be a United Methodist.
“Yep, Grandma spent a lot time in this bathroom so it was only fitting we’d name the new toilet after her.”

4. If you’ve ever asked if you can guzzle the rest of the Welch’s grape juice and eat the leftover communion bread, then you might be a United Methodist.

5. If you’ve ever sold tickets to a meal people can easily prepare at home, you might be a United Methodist.

6. If you hear that, “the Choir is in the Chancel” and you believe the church has bought a new 15 passenger van from France, you might be a United Methodist.

7. If taking your shoes off and crawling under the pews still seems like the most exciting thing to do at church, you might be a United Methodist.

8. If you know the page number to the hymn “Shalom to You” in the United Methodist Hymnal, and you think it’s funny as Hell, you might be a United Methodist.

9. If you have no bumper stickers on your car because Methodists are not really sticker people, then you might be a United Methodist.

10. If you’ve ever been asked to give a play by play of your infant baptism in a Baptist church, then you might be a United Methodist. “There I was, my mama handed me over to this man in a big black robe, and suddenly, he was pouring water all over my tiny head…”