A Short Dictionary of Misunderstood Words

America – a pre-existing condition in need of constant reassurance.

Belief – The idea that feelings equate to reality.  (See Truth)

Christ – Jesus’ last name.

Jesus – Itinerant weeper.

God – Head of a US based multinational corporation which invests in social networking applications, web based communications technology, and merit based wish fulfillment.  (See Mark Zuckerberg).

Truth – Any knowledge, information, or ideas yet to be deemed as “fake”.

Zuckerberg, Mark – Senior Pastor, First Church of Facebook (see God).

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Frat Boys Buying Beer In a Food Lion on a Saturday Night Over Memorial Day Weekend (A Poem)

Frat Boys Buying Beer on a Saturday Night in a Food Lion on Memorial Day Weeekend

Hats turned backwards,
The vacant 10 yard stare,
Twenty year old males,
People are everywhere,
“Dude, what do you want?”
“I don’t know?”
“You?”
“Whatever, man?”
“What ‘cha drinking, bro?”
“If everyone’s getting Coors,
That’s cool with me.”
“Busch is cheaper by the case,”
“Duuude, so it seems,”
“So you’re cool with Busch?”
“Whatever hoss,
Did you see the frozen Pizza Supremes?”
“That’s what we’re eating?”
“Dude, the Miller Draft,
The taste is really clean.”
“Is that what we’re drinking?”
“I’ll drink what everybody likes,
But I’m not touching Bud light.”
“So what are we getting?”
“Something everybody likes?”
“You’re right, too many vegetables,
It’s a meatlovers night.”
“You’re sure?”
“That’s why we’re here.”
“Whatever bro.”
“Hey, what about our beer?”

–Richard Bryant

Are Common Serbian Woodpeckers Frightened of Bulgarian Scarecrows? (The 19th Letter)

29 May 1958

Beograd, Yugoslavia

Between the green leaved oaks lining the boulevard to the rear of the cathedral, to the left of the fourth shadow of the second grandest leaf, ninety two meters from the national library, where Dimitri Shostakovich is playing in my head.

Dear Comrade Milos, Twice Recipient of the Order of Marxist-Leninist Nature and Recent Guest Speaker at the All Republic Gathering of Socialist Ornithologists:

The seconds became minutes and then compile themselves into hours. I am afraid, like the time I encountered the darkness of my house without electricity, that eternity is unable to be contained by my words alone. Do you also fear time and the dark? Dear friend, does this mean we are getting old? In the hours since breakfast, I now feel even more alone and compelled again to write both questions and answers; as I am the only one who knows what I seek.

The juice, made from the Montenegrin apples was so fresh, do you not agree? The Kosovar woman who waited on our table reminded of both my second wife and mother. Perhaps it was because they were both kindly in the early morning way and provided me juices without asking?

Summer has arrived early this year. Don’t you think so? To be this warm in late May leads me to forecasts a warm summer. Tourists from as far east as Moscow and as north as Warsaw will come to beautiful Belgrade. Must everyone holiday in Dalmatia? Our work, dear friend, does not stop because every machinist in Prague needs a week’s leave.

I know you are busy for I can hear you at work. Might I propose both a question and idea? As our streets grow crowded and summer falls upon our beautiful land, shall we head east? It has yet to be proved that the Picus Virdius* migrates beyond the mountain passes. Could this not be the time, even the reason, to travel to Bulgaria? The lush Bulgarian cornfields, rolling for miles, are guard by hundreds of плашило. We call them scare crows. Bulgarian birds are frightened of these stick figures made to resemble Ottoman sultans and Nestorian heretics, and Russian generals. It is known, however, that images Ottomans, heretics, nor Russians frighten the common Serbian woodpecker. What say ye? Shall I call the station and purchase two tickets to Sofia? Perhaps Shostakovich will perform?

I do think this could be our opportunity to capture the elusive Serbian woodpecker. Unlike like the time we were in the place with the man who told us about the road that went to the other town that was near the city where the trees were that might have contained a single bird, I feel much better about this new plan.

If this is to reach you before tomorrow’s post, I must find make haste for the evening post.  I humbly await your reply.  And the arrival of my stamps.

Your friend,

Slava

*Picus Viridus-Common European Woodpecker

The Oblique World of Ruby

1. Hurley and I went to our own church in the living room. We were both overcome by the Holy Spirit and slept on the for most of our hastily arranged worship service.

2. Do you need help with the dishes?

3. I find it hard to babysit Hurley and tell people this is our house. It is a full time job.

4. Does my butt look big in this hair?

5. I haven’t seen in the Psychotic Feline String Wrangler in two days. Was she transferred to a home for the criminally insane?

6. When are we next having meat with gravy? It’s not so much the meat as it is the gravy.

7. If you look to your left, you can see my paw being placed on your right leg.

8. Do you and mother watching anything other than shows about the fat English king who killed his wives?

9. A board game where silence and paws are the keys to world dominations.

10. Did I just make a pet pun?

The Worried World of Ruby


1. Do you know what time it was when you all came home last night? It was dark. I was asleep.

2. You bought a fish. How many more animals am I going to be left to manage in these prolonged absences?

3. When you leave, I grow anxious. Probably 27 cars drove by today. 27 people just drove by OUR house.

4. What are you going to do about it?

5. I saw you bought the Purina.

6. The psychotic feline string wrangler will eat Mackenize’s fish. You’ll have to watch her closely.

7. The man in the golfing car stopped to determine your water consumption. I tried to tell you he was here.  You didn’t answer.  I forgot you were at work.

8. I started reading Kafka today.  I think Hurley is turning into a bug.

9. These are my notes from the first page.

10.

The Rhetorical World of Ruby

1. I went on a ride in the back of the machine today. Wait, were you driving?

2. Monday is just Wednesday with a fresh coat of paint.

3. By Thor’s Hammer! THE UPS LADY CAME TODAY AND LEFT A PACKAGE AT THE DOOR STEP. MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED!

4. The box in question contained shoes for something called PROM. I cannot go to this PROM?

5. THERE GOES BLACK FELINE STRING WRANGLER!

6. Why am I the only one who cares about intruders?

7. I watched the television program with the talking train again. I find Thomas strangely disconcerting. Find something else for me to watch.

8. I lost count of the number of others I saw on the ride. Six, four, a thousand? How long were we gone? 10 minutes? A week? Did I age?

9. All the good science fair projects were taken. Hurley and I are doing some thing with eggs. I wanted to show the expansion of galaxies post Big Bang.

10. You’re not going to the kitchen, are you?

The Importune World of Ruby

1. I’m not the best reader but the truck parked down the lane might have had Scientology related material on the bumper. I thought you should know.

2. The same times as MOTHER puts the things in the white box to spin and twirl, the house is attacked by vicious beast from the same direction. I feel to tell you the white box which spins and twirls must summon the beast from another realm.

3. Excuse me. UKNOWN FELINE STRING WRANGLER IN THE YARD. UNKNOWN FELINE STRING WRANGLER IN THE YARD.

4. May I borrow the blanket?

5. Hurley was taken to the local pub, the Jolly Roger last evening. I know she has her own set of friends and they allow loveable sidekicks. However, her BARHOPPING has gotten way out of hand.

6. Lester, the white Chihuahua who lives by the motel on the corner is a corrosive influence. Frankly, I don’t care what Lester’s allowed to do at home.

7. I haven’t checked my email since January.

8. Oh, I heard Bob the Feline String Wrangler snuck into the Battle of the Atlantic lecture last night. Hurley’s at the pub, Bob’s commenting on Admiral Doenitz’s U-boat strategy and where am I? At home watching Bridesmaids on E.

9. So what’s going on?

10. You’re not my mother, are you?