Thoughtful Critiques of the Death Star

1. Shouldn’t it be larger?

2. Why is everything so fifty shades of grey?

3. Does “Death” really mean death?

4. Why are there no clocks on the walls?  Doesn’t evil require better timing?

5. Why is the Methodist Chaplain’s office next to Darth Vader’s pod?

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5 Things I’ve Never Heard Anyone Attribute Their Conversion to Christianity To

1. The Shroud of Turin
2. That tract someone left in the gas station bathroom
3. The bumper sticker that reads “Follow Me to Church”
4. Works Righteousness
5. Frustration that their Buddhist temple was too liberal

The Absolute Worst Titles For The Pastor’s Section of the Church Newsletter

Ponderings from the Pulpit
Musings from the Minister
The Altar Address
The Preach Speaks
Rappin’ with the Rev
Rumination from the Reverend
Words with Friends
One Direction
From the Pulpit to the Pew
Anything with the word “Epistle” (just don’t do it…I beg you)

Richard Lowell Bryant

 

Things To Do During A Dull Sermon

1. Work on your next sermon

2. Make a papier-mâché version of your own head to leave in the pew so it looks like you’re actually there when you’ve stepped out for a break (Great VBS Project!)

3. Compile weekly shopping list for trip to Food Lion

4. Raise your hand and ask, “Is this the one where you come out in opposition to sin?”

5. Shout “Amen” at the least inspiring moment in the sermon (works for the preacher or congregation)

6. Slap your neighbor. If they don’t turn the other cheek, raise your hand again and report them to the preacher

7. Walk outside to your golf cart where a bottle of whiskey awaits.  Then wait for the conclusion of the service to ask the pastor if you can preach next week.

8. Hold up a sign that reads, “WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU”

9. Check the ferry schedule

10. Volunteer to work in the nursery

A Short Dictionary of Misunderstood Words

America – a pre-existing condition in need of constant reassurance.

Belief – The idea that feelings equate to reality.  (See Truth)

Christ – Jesus’ last name.

Jesus – Itinerant weeper.

God – Head of a US based multinational corporation which invests in social networking applications, web based communications technology, and merit based wish fulfillment.  (See Mark Zuckerberg).

Truth – Any knowledge, information, or ideas yet to be deemed as “fake”.

Zuckerberg, Mark – Senior Pastor, First Church of Facebook (see God).

Frat Boys Buying Beer In a Food Lion on a Saturday Night Over Memorial Day Weekend (A Poem)

Frat Boys Buying Beer on a Saturday Night in a Food Lion on Memorial Day Weeekend

Hats turned backwards,
The vacant 10 yard stare,
Twenty year old males,
People are everywhere,
“Dude, what do you want?”
“I don’t know?”
“You?”
“Whatever, man?”
“What ‘cha drinking, bro?”
“If everyone’s getting Coors,
That’s cool with me.”
“Busch is cheaper by the case,”
“Duuude, so it seems,”
“So you’re cool with Busch?”
“Whatever hoss,
Did you see the frozen Pizza Supremes?”
“That’s what we’re eating?”
“Dude, the Miller Draft,
The taste is really clean.”
“Is that what we’re drinking?”
“I’ll drink what everybody likes,
But I’m not touching Bud light.”
“So what are we getting?”
“Something everybody likes?”
“You’re right, too many vegetables,
It’s a meatlovers night.”
“You’re sure?”
“That’s why we’re here.”
“Whatever bro.”
“Hey, what about our beer?”

–Richard Bryant

Are Common Serbian Woodpeckers Frightened of Bulgarian Scarecrows? (The 19th Letter)

29 May 1958

Beograd, Yugoslavia

Between the green leaved oaks lining the boulevard to the rear of the cathedral, to the left of the fourth shadow of the second grandest leaf, ninety two meters from the national library, where Dimitri Shostakovich is playing in my head.

Dear Comrade Milos, Twice Recipient of the Order of Marxist-Leninist Nature and Recent Guest Speaker at the All Republic Gathering of Socialist Ornithologists:

The seconds became minutes and then compile themselves into hours. I am afraid, like the time I encountered the darkness of my house without electricity, that eternity is unable to be contained by my words alone. Do you also fear time and the dark? Dear friend, does this mean we are getting old? In the hours since breakfast, I now feel even more alone and compelled again to write both questions and answers; as I am the only one who knows what I seek.

The juice, made from the Montenegrin apples was so fresh, do you not agree? The Kosovar woman who waited on our table reminded of both my second wife and mother. Perhaps it was because they were both kindly in the early morning way and provided me juices without asking?

Summer has arrived early this year. Don’t you think so? To be this warm in late May leads me to forecasts a warm summer. Tourists from as far east as Moscow and as north as Warsaw will come to beautiful Belgrade. Must everyone holiday in Dalmatia? Our work, dear friend, does not stop because every machinist in Prague needs a week’s leave.

I know you are busy for I can hear you at work. Might I propose both a question and idea? As our streets grow crowded and summer falls upon our beautiful land, shall we head east? It has yet to be proved that the Picus Virdius* migrates beyond the mountain passes. Could this not be the time, even the reason, to travel to Bulgaria? The lush Bulgarian cornfields, rolling for miles, are guard by hundreds of плашило. We call them scare crows. Bulgarian birds are frightened of these stick figures made to resemble Ottoman sultans and Nestorian heretics, and Russian generals. It is known, however, that images Ottomans, heretics, nor Russians frighten the common Serbian woodpecker. What say ye? Shall I call the station and purchase two tickets to Sofia? Perhaps Shostakovich will perform?

I do think this could be our opportunity to capture the elusive Serbian woodpecker. Unlike like the time we were in the place with the man who told us about the road that went to the other town that was near the city where the trees were that might have contained a single bird, I feel much better about this new plan.

If this is to reach you before tomorrow’s post, I must find make haste for the evening post.  I humbly await your reply.  And the arrival of my stamps.

Your friend,

Slava

*Picus Viridus-Common European Woodpecker