Why I, Richard Lowell Bryant of Ocracoke, NC, Hate Halloween

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1. It’s tacky. Not that the world isn’t tacky enough.  If we’re going to condemn it in our elections, let’s condemn it in our pointless holidays.  I’m sick of the double standards.

2. It’s over-sexualized. Have you seen a costume that’s not “sexy nurse, sexy teacher, sexy cop, or sexy anything”. Again, the tackiness we decry in our over sexualized presidential candidate seems to be cool in adult Halloween costumes. Where do our cultural double standards begin to take hold?  I can think of one place.  I vote for Halloween.

3. Does “Big Sugar” need one more night to take hold of the metabolisms of American youth?  Diabetes is going to kill us, along with heart disease.  Isn’t that frightening without the stupid costumes?  I want to die in my own clothes.

4. Jack-o-Lantern’s are visually impaired, dentally challenged vegetables. I hate being forced to participate in a ritual which makes something normal look mentally ill. I hate it.

5. Our current version of Halloween has nothing to do with evil. I like fighting Satan. I hate answering the door. I loathe getting off the couch. I hate pretending you’re not the eighth Spiderman costume of the night.

6. If I do give you candy, don’t judge my selections. I don’t care what they gave you down the street. I put thought into this. You’ll be a better person because I gave you raisins. I hate candy judgment.

7. It freaks my dogs out. My beloved black labs, the sweetest dogs on earth, are freaked out by the constant door knocking, bell ringing, and people in the yard. They bark like they’re dying. I hate that bark. I love my dogs. As such, I hate Halloween.

8. Nobody gets the porch light message anymore. If it’s off, stay away. Didn’t anyone teach you any manners?  No light means “we’re out of the honoring death by dressing up in cheap costumes business”.

9. Halloween parties for adults are an Introvert’s worst nightmare. Sure let’s gather in a confined space with loud music while drunk people judge your clothes (costume) and encourage you to participate in dancing. Dancing in uncomfortable clothes.  Hell on earth! Paging Dante!

10. Why do we need to have a celebration of “fake death and horror”? Anybody been to Haiti recently?

*If this offends you,  because you’re so invested in Halloween as an American institution, help is available.  Therapists, counselors, and clergy are standing by.

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