Yes, I hate Halloween. But I’m going to tell you how to be a better trick or treater, should you find your way to my door, this Halloween.
1. Don’t be over the age of 13. If you’re over the age of 13, you’ve out grown this time honored tradition. Find a new hobby. Grow up and move on. Escort a younger child, sibling, or friend. Dude, you’re too old. If you look 13, have a pre-pubescent mustache, play JV anything, or your voice is starting to change; I’m going to ask you to leave by the gate which you entered.
2. Make sure the light is on. Don’t go to people who aren’t participating. That’s rude.
3. When you get to the front door, ring or knock once. I hear you. I’m coming. No need to go all crazy on the bell.
4. When someone answers the door, own it! That’s right! Let them know what you are there for! Trick or treat! Say it loud and proud! I don’t care if you’ve been out for 90 minutes and your feet are tired. When you get to that door, state your purpose with vision and clarity. You are there to receive candy. Speak for yourself.
5. Do not go grabbing into the candy container. Allow me to pick out the candy for you. I have shopped for this candy and made careful decisions about what candy to purchase for our neighborhood. I will choose which candy and what amounts to give. I do give out raisins. Do not become a grabber.
6. Once I have placed the candy in your basket, bowl, sheet, pillowcase, or whatever, you will then say “Thank You”. Do not run off to the next house. If your mother is forced to remind you to say thank you, I will take my candy back.
7. If I hear complaints or negative comments about my candy, I will select another member of your party and give them additional candy with the instructions, “they are not to share with you.”
8. If you are crying when you reach our door, please stop. There is no crying at Halloween.
9. If your costume requires you to wear a helmet or carry other accessories to be fully assembled, put it on. I do not give candy to people who aren’t wearing their complete costumes.
10. If you are not having a good night, if you have no candy by the time you reach my house, all you need to do is ask: “Can you show me how these rules work?” I will go with you door to door for a cut of the candy. It’s all in my plan to Make Halloween Great Again.