How Methodists Prepare for the Rapture
1. Under the auspices of the Church Council, form a Committee for Rapture Awareness and Preparation (CRAP Committee).
2. Set a responsible budget for rapture preparation, rapture awareness, post-rapture Methodism. Where in Heaven will the next Annual Conference be held?
3. Offer “tribulation only Methodists” directions to local Baptist churches.
4. Plan for a Rapture Covered Dish Meal to Welcome Jesus to Church. No Bacon in the Baked Beans Please!
5. Appoint a United Methodist Women’s subcommittee to study the need to provide kosher food to honor Jesus’ Jewish culinary traditions. Kosher pickles will do in a pinch. No pigs feet!
6. Ask the United Methodist Women to make extra ice tea as parting gift for those going to Hell.
7. Make sure the yard is mowed before Jesus arrives. I’m sure the grass in heaven is perfect.
8. Clean the toilets and vacuum the sanctuary prior to arrival of Heavenly host.
9. Will Jesus need to use the bathroom? (Ask the pastor)
10. Should we all wear name-tags or do you think Jesus will know us right off the bat?
11. Does anyone know what kind of car he drives or will he just pop in? (refer to hospitality committee)
12. Does Jesus speak English? Who speaks Jesus’ language? Does anyone around here speak his Aramaic-talk?