I cannot tell you how unhappy I am at being forced to reveal any information about my past, whether it is happening now or occurred the day before yesterday. For the record, I did not know Ethel Rosenberg or Lee Harvey Oswald’s uncle. At the time you ask, I was with Princess Grace Kelly aboard the Monaco Falcon in a galaxy far, far away. This is my unimpeachable alibi.
What is it you seek to know? Remember, dear friend, nothing suits me like an ill-worded interrogation.
Where was I born? Isn’t my living presence proof enough? I am here. Do you want to know that I was born on the only privately owned island in a floating national park some 25 miles off the coast of North Carolina? Then yes, in a shack, on such a strip of land, named for a victim of the War of 1812, I left my mother’s womb.
What was I like as a child? I had two hobbies, owing to the relative isolation of our island and my own interests. Beyond taxidermy, crocheting, and composing for the harpsichord, little piqued my fancy.
Why did your first wife leave you? She was captured by marauding pirates after leaving our home in a fit of rage over my persistent body odor and gas passing. I did not know the pirates. I am only guilty of smelling extremely bad. Come closer as I raise my arm. Do you doubt me? Rancid, no? Sadly, the pirates left no forwarding address and I was forced to move on to less algae infested waters.
Do you have any pets? Do I look like the type of semi-autonomous European nobility to hold onto pets for any certain period of time? You’re fearfully nodding your head. What did Lord de Montefort tell you? Yes. When I’m writing for the harpsichord and crocheting, I enjoy the company of my cats: Gloria, Mark, and Snowball. Two years ago, a cat named Jasper came to dwell with us. Jasper eventually disappeared while I was training staff members at the first Wal-Mart in Phnom Penh. I know nothing about this ill-mannered beast’s ill timed departure. I was elsewhere. You will find this alibi as solid as Romeo’s love for Helen of Troy.
Do you belong to any secret organizations, clubs or societies? If they are truly secret, why would I confirm their existence or my membership therein? However, I will admit to being in the Illuminati, the Mickey Mouse Club, and the United Methodist Church.
We’ve been told all three organizations one in the same? I can neither confirm nor deny this. Though I have never seen Walt Disney and John Wesley together.
What are you most proud of? My work as a theater critic has brought me great acclaim. I haven’t been able to sleep one night in the same location since I wrote about Hamilton, “I’m not sure how historically accurate rapping is in 18th century America.”
What would you do over? I would advise Lincoln to say 87 years ago. No one says “four score and seven years ago” any more. I would not vote for a Whig.
Where do you buy your socks? I knit my own socks with homemade thread, spun from the hair of my two dogs, Ruby Sue and Hurley Jean.
Would you add anything further? My sincere hope that you remain squarely in the dark and grasping at straws.