Food for Thought-Richard’s Guide to Ending Annoying Conversations

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1. Speak as few words as possible. Monosyllabic utterances are always preferable to real words.

2. Refuse to make eye contact with the other person. However, instead of staring at the floor, pick random spots all around you. Stare at one for a few seconds then move to somewhere else in the distance. It will unnerve your dialogue partner.

3. Alternatively, you can simply close your eyes and say, “I’m listening. It helps me to visualize your words.”

4. Repeat everything the other person says in a meaningful, considerate, and thoughtful tone. For instance, if they say, “My internet was down yesterday” you would say back, “Your internet was down yesterday.”

5. Try to extend the period of initial greeting for as long as possible. Use slang forms of greeting common which are popular with the young people and those who want to appear “cool” to the young people. This means, if you can, try for at least 60-120 seconds of “Hey”, “sup”, “nothin”, “yeah”, “dawg”, “g”, or “bro”. If the person hasn’t gotten the hint  you don’t want to talk after two minutes of still saying hello, they might be an idiot.

6. While the other person is speaking interrupt them to ask, “Can you hear that humming sound?”

7. If you’re called on to reply to their comments or offer a reflection, try responding with this: “I understand exactly where you’re coming from because I still can’t tie my shoes either.”

8. If none of the above appear (which I doubt), try walking away with the words, “I really must go”.

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