If you’re going to serve me a “home cooked pie”, tell me the home where it was cooked. Your health certificate is plain for all to see. Who will vouch for this “home”?
I prefer menus written on paper and chalkboards to those on touchscreens.
If you would like me to order something, tell me it is, “fresh, tender, mouth watering, succulent, served on a bed of, tangy, topped with, hearty, or luscious.” These words will get me every time. Topped with onions and mushrooms are great items with which to crown any dish. Have plenty available. I’m not particularly interested in how fresh a piece of lettuce or fish might be. I’ll trust you. Why would you serve anything other than fresh food? Spare the room on the menu or the speech by the wait person to include more pertinent information such as; where I might wash my hands.
Nowhere should you say I can enjoy the above mentioned qualities in food with cheese or olives. I hate cheese. I despise olives.
Restaurants which bear the name or names of the owners seem to continually draw me back. I like to feel I am on a first name basis with the establishment where I am dining.
I prefer glasses without writing, printing, or other artwork. I’m there to drink water, iced tea, or Tab. Looking at pictures or advertisements while I am trying to drink my Tab distracts me.
Places which are cash only are classy places. I have eaten some of the best meals of my life in cash only restaurants.
1. Talk about the small town you live in, the wholesome values embodied by this town’s economic decline, and how people who live elsewhere are morally lacking when compared to your town
2. Talk about how you work a typical blue-collar job at a “plant”. Make references to “clocking out” and how at the end of a hard week’s work you feel entitled to a weekend of alcohol consumption and bad decision making
3. Talk about your woman, how she’s hot, wears skimpy clothes for you and enjoys going to a river with you to engage in vaguely implied carnal activity.
4. Talk about how you go to church and belief in God is important to you and how this is the logical extension of your weekend of drinking and vague carnal activity with your scantily clad “honey” down by the river
5. Repeat the four previous points in rapid succession behind an array guitar riffs and background vocals
Things I’m Never Going to Do Again:
- Send a text message
- Patronize a Starbucks
- Wear a coonskin cap
- Teach wok cooking in China
- Use glitter
Why do chicken crossing the road jokes have to be philosophical? Why can’t it just be better over there?
Richard’s Reasons Why Watching Paint Dry Can Be Fun!
1) Paint verses of the Bible or Shakespeare on your wall. As they dry, memorize them!
2) Use the drying time to spend quality time with interesting and nice people.
3) Decide, as the paint dries, whether or not you are truly color blind.
4) Use your staring time to pick or change your favorite color.
Arrived from Dublin,
tired and wasted,
broke but not down,
accents strange on the ground,
sharing an outlet with a rabbinical brother,
God’s power flows all around,
witnesses to mercy abound,
making this bench,
for a moment,
while we pray,
for this sweaty day,
people needing rides,
to their lives,
points in between,
and overwhelming fatigue.